When I get anxious, I go on tumblr, because there’s a predictable unpreditability that I found comfort in, and all day, going on tumblr has been making me anxious.

I just figured out that it’s because of all the posts about the Yahoo! take over. We have no idea if there’ll be knew ads, or where the ads will be, if the layout will change, if things will be added, if more people who aren’t tumblr people will learn about tumblr, we have no idea what’s going to happen.

Not knowing what’s going to happen to a site that has until know been a stable source of comfort is scaring the hell out of me. I can’t stand not knowing what’s going to happen next.

This applies to everyday life as well, I get anxious all the time because I can’t predict what will happen next, but little constants like texting someone at an exact time, or even knowing the order of a playlist helps me a lot.

Just wanted to share that my dad rang the doctor today and he’s going to set an appointment for Saturday the 16th! :D

Today’s paper wasn’t a total disaster either :)

I’ve completely fallen in love with this guy’s music :O http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjJDBP292rM

Just wanted to share the news that my mum has told me that I can go back to the psychiatrist to work on my gender issues :) I just have to wait until after the Leaving Cert :)

Best Mum Ever! :D

Also, wanted to say thank you to all of my friends, you’re all just so awesome :’)

A lot of people keep asking, and rather than tell everyone individually, I’m gonna be lazy and just write one post explaining it. I ask you to at least read the entry before you start arguing with me, ok?

So, why did I change my name on FaceBook from Ciara to Cory? Because I got fed up of lying, and fed up of waiting.

I was going to wait until I went back to the doctor, until I had some hard evidence, but who knows when that’ll be? No, I’d rather just get the ball rolling myself.

What the hell am I talking about? I’m talking about Gender Identification Disorder. Transgender, the T in LGBT which seems to be forgotten about. A feeling, a knowing, that your gender doesn’t match you biological sex. It’s a hard enough concept to understand, I know, half the time even I don’t quite understand it. But believe me, it’s real. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but feel free to ask any questions, I’ll be glad to answer them :)

Now, before you start saying that I should just ignore it or whatever, I want to tell you about the two pieces of indisputable evidence that I’ve got in my arsenal.

1. Asperger’s Syndrome

I know, you’re probably thinking that I blame everything on Asperger’s, but to be fair, it is to blame for a lot of things :P But here, I’m talking about the “Extreme Male Brain” theory, which is essentially a theory that many forms of autism are caused by hormone imbalances in the womb, leading to the brain developing as slightly more male. A very high rate of aspergic women say that they feel either male, or androgynous. More detail can be found in this very nice blog: http://www.womanwithaspergers.wordpress.com/2011/02/26/the-autism-gene-what-does-it-mean-for-the-autistic-woman/

So, that’s one reason why I consider myself to be male despite my female body.

2. PCOS

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman’s female sex hormones, and is surprisingly common, even though you hear little to nothing about it. No one knows exactly what causes it, (for a change :T) but it has been known to cause GID. That’s not to say that it WILL cause GID, there are many symptoms of the illness, and patients only ever have a few, not all. Depending on when the illness starts, the abnormal levels of testosterone produced can cause the brain to develope as male. It also makes it very very difficult to have children, maybe even resulting in infertility, so that’s another reason to hate it :T

So there you have it, I changed my name because I don’t believe I am a girl, and so I hate being referred to by a girl name. I don’t expect everyone to just suddenly start calling me Cory and using male pronouns (which I’m kinda surprised no one noticed that I changed my FaceBook to do that :P) but I’m not going to lie to my best friends about who I am any longer.

And if you actually read all of that, you get a cookie :D

I want to start off by saying, oh my god, I’ve graduated :O I genuinely never thought I’d make it this far :O

Anyway, I wrote up a bit about what happened, this being my first experience with drinking and clubs and all that. It’s a bit long, sorry about that. As always, comments are appreciated :)

I’m skipping the graduation ceremony because it was ceremony, and there’s little say about it. Let’s get straight to the part few people know about, the afters!

There were three buses that left from the school, bringing fifth and sixth years to the club. I got on the third bus with my best friends, Georgia and Paula sitting in front, Conor next to me, and Kieran across the aisle. People had already started drinking, and as the trip went on they got louder and louder. With too many conversations going on at once at varying noise levels, I felt a bit of an overload coming on and covered my ears. I ensured everyone that I was fine, because I was. I knew we’d soon be at Rapture, and the music would drown out the many conversations, giving me less to focus on.

When we got to Rapture, everyone on the bus headed straight for the bar, ready to get the night going. The queue was way too long, and so my friends decided to go into the bathrooms first while they were free. I followed the group gladly, but it was when the separated I had trouble. I watched the lads going in and envyed them. I stood for a moment, but finally caved and went into the girls’. That was probably the moment that got me started.

As soon as we left, I headed straight for the bar. I remembered what my parents had told me, and repeated “Bicardi and coke” in my head, over and over, so I would get it right when the guy asked what I wanted. But the queue had turned into a crowd. I was surrounded on all sides by people, and didn’t know where my friends had gone. Slowly, I began to feel panicked, and as it grew worse, I knew that I would have a panic attack soon. I was afraid the bicardi wouldn’t be strong enough, and so, I immediately asked for a vodka and coke instead, followed by a bottle of wkd.

I carried the drinks over to where everyone was sitting, set them down, and proceeded to down the vodka as quickly as possible. I remember a strong hand on my shoulder and a stern voice, which I assume came from Conor, ordering me to slow down. I replied with a quick “No way in hell”, and the very second the vodka was gone, I started on the wkd. Ann took me aside and made me promise that I’d slow down, and I did. But by then, the effects of the vodka had hit, and I have never felt calmer in such a full room.

I don’t remember everything that happened after that, not as a result of the alcohol, but more that not much happened. I remember standing at the railing with Conor when I needed the bathroom, and upon mentioning this, he laughed and said “Make sure you go into the right one, you’ll never live it down.” Lowering my head I asked which one was really the right one, and he replied “Use the girls’ for your own safety”. I’m not sure what exactly he meant by that, but I felt a twinge of fear, followed by guilt. I knew he was right, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. I vaguely remember shouting something about the price of STPs, but I’m pretty sure the music drowned that out.

But I still felt fantastic. I was bouncing when I walked, and laughing and smiling. It was the most fun I’d had in ages. The problem was, as soon as that feeling lessened, I had another wkd in my hand, and later a bicardi breezer. That was a very bad idea.

Conor wanted to get some air, and I went with him. After a bit of talking and joking, and as I drained that breezer, Georgia came out to check on us. She said that she couldn’t believe it was over, and that we’d probably not see each other again, and I told her we’d meet up in college.

“Sure we have FaceBook!” I remember saying, “And Skype! And texting! We live in the bloody information age! No wait…. it’s the information and communication age now innit? They keep changing what it’s called, couple of years ago it was the plastic age….” They’d stopped listening and were discussing college while I mulled it over. Then I had a realisation, and jumping in the middle, I proclaimed, “I’ve got it! This is, THE EQUALITY AGE! Because everyone is getting equal rights!” Then it hit me again, “Well, almost everyone. The other guys are anyway. Which is great! I mean, it’s a hard battle! But do you ever think that gays get all the glory? What about us?! Does anyone even know what the T stands for?! And what the hell is up with the toilets here?! I mean, I went to…. to castle… no, RUSSBOROUGH! I went to Russborough House, which was built like…. 300 years ago! And do you know what they had?! UNISEX BATHROOMS! How old is this place? A couple of years, I bet! 300 years ago and they were more advanced!”

Georgia kindly informed me that I was drunk, and Conor told me to take it up with Shane because I was starting on politics. Georgia said she’d get me a drink of water because she was getting a drink anyway and went inside. I hugged Conor saying how much I loved him, and thanking him for staying with me. He said he was gonna go back in and finish his coke, I said alright, but that I wanted to stay and finish the breezer. He seemed eager to go back in, so I made the terribly brilliant decision to gulp the last of it. I say terribly brilliant, because almost immediately, I needed to throw up.

I put my head against the wooden wall and clamped my eyes shut. It took a while to tell Conor what I was doing because every time I opened my mouth, vomit threatened. I felt guilty for making him wait while I fought off the effects of my own stupidity, and told him to go on back in and that I’d follow, but he refused and waited patiently for me to recover. When I did, I gave him my money so that I wouldn’t buy any more for a good while, and we went back inside.

Ice water has never tasted so good, and within moments, I was back bouncing.

The rest of the night was great! I went out every now and then to get away from everyone, but in my drunken state I spent probably twenty minutes star gazing on one of my breaks. When Conor eventually came looking for me, I started rambling and pointing out Orion and the seven sisters. He led me back in, but my mind was fixated on space, and as I walked into the bathrooms, I remember reciting The War of the Worlds.

Around one in the morning, my mood started to drop a bit, but I figured I was just tired. Suddenly, there was a huge cheer from everyone as the song changed. I was dragged down to the dance floor and realised the song they were playing was our graduation song. Everyone was dancing, and I mean everyone! But I just stood there, amazed. I’ve never been able to understand dancing that wasn’t choreographed and learned. Eventually, Conor pulled me off the dance floor saying that I couldn’t just stand there. I stared blankly at him, and he went back to dancing with the rest of them.

The a thought hit me. I was the only person not dancing. I was the only person who couldn’t dance. I couldn’t even move to the music, I simply stood rigid by the side.

I wasn’t one of them.

I didn’t belong there.

I realised I was standing in front of the bathrooms, another place where I didn’t belong.

I thought about everything that had been said about me that night. “She’s fine” “She’s on her third already” “She’s drunk” “Where’s she gone?” “Is Ciara alright?”

Not wanting to make anyone worry, or ruin anyone’s night with my own ever present problems, I waited until everyone was facing away from where I was, and quickly made my way outside.

I sat on the ground, thinking about everything, fighting back tears.

Saoirse asked if I was alright, I smiled and said I was just tired. When Conor came out to check on me, I did the same. After, I wondered if he actually bought it.

So, when Jasmine told me her dad was there and asked if I wanted a lift, I jumped at the chance, knowing that the night, for me, had passed it’s high point and would begin to go downhill. I got my money back from Conor, hugged him, thanked him, and left.

The final thing I have to say about that night, is that I wish I could do it again. It was so much fun being out with all my friends like that, and I loved every minute of it. I’m unbelievabley lucky to have such good friends who stayed by my side the whole night and kept me out of trouble. Infact, I vaguely remember clinging on to Conor at one stage and telling someone that I didn’t know but who knew us that he was mine, and she would have to find someone else, but that whoever she found would be nowhere near as brilliant. I may have been clinging on to him at the time, but I could’ve said the same for any of my friends.

Just something small that I wrote, I might make some changes, but for now, please tell me what you think. :)

My friends think I’m smart.

My friends think I’m funny.

My friends are patient with me.

My friends know me.

~

Other people think I’m slow.

Other people think I’m rude.

Other people can’t wait eight seconds.

Other people don’t know me.

~

The truth is I’m smart.

The truth is I’m slow.

The truth is I’m not joking.

The truth is I’m me.