Big news! (to me anyway) My dad took me to a barbers for the first time ever yesterday! It was pretty scary, but my hair is so super short :D
It’s completely different to going to a hair dresser, which is strange, but good :)
Another step on being fully treated like the man I am :)
So I went to the bank to cash a cheque, and after, I went up to the desk with my mum because she wanted to ask about something regarding her bank card. That in itself isn’t really worth a post, but what is, is what happened after.
BankLady: “And what about this young man, has he got an account?”
My mum looked confused for a second, then said,
"Yes, he has, that’s why we came in today….”
There was more conversation after that, but I didn’t hear it because I was
My mum has never used male pronouns for me before! It’ll probably be a while before she does again, but oh my glob that made my day! ^.^
He held the door,
to make sure I followed.
He tutted at the hand dryer,
and raised an eyebrow,
as I dried my hands on my jeans.
But not one word was said,
just a silent acceptance.
She calls us for dinner,
"Dinner’s ready, boys"
She offers me fruit, and asks
"Would you like a pear, mister?"
instead of missy, like always.
She changed one word,
to show her acceptance.
that normal people don’t have to spend hours mentally preparing themselves so they can take a shower without intentionally hurting themselves or breaking down in tears. And it actually makes them feel good and then they can just go on with their day.
Man I envy them.
Today, my mum called me Cory for the first time.
I nearly cried, I was just so happy. It felt like, for the first time, my mum was actually talking to ME, not some girl she was convinced I was, but the real me.
I’d love to thank anyone who has made the effort to change names for me, I’ll probably draw something when I get back.
"Get back?!" I hear you say? Yes, back. I am going to England in the morning with my Scout Troop for summer camp :) I cannot wait ^_^
Also, LoveTheVisualSystem and I are planning on selling things at this years Eirtakon :) anyone got any suggestions of what they’d like to see/buy? Images wanted by people who won’t be at Eirtakon will be posted here, for free of course, I’d like the practice :)
I draw and sculpt fimo :) Please don’t go looking for my deviantArt page, it hasn’t been updated in yeeeeeaaaaarrrrsss and I swear I am waaaay better than I was :O
I can’t wait to come home to over 1,000 posts on my dash :P
See you all in a week! :D
A lot of people keep asking, and rather than tell everyone individually, I’m gonna be lazy and just write one post explaining it. I ask you to at least read the entry before you start arguing with me, ok?
So, why did I change my name on FaceBook from Ciara to Cory? Because I got fed up of lying, and fed up of waiting.
I was going to wait until I went back to the doctor, until I had some hard evidence, but who knows when that’ll be? No, I’d rather just get the ball rolling myself.
What the hell am I talking about? I’m talking about Gender Identification Disorder. Transgender, the T in LGBT which seems to be forgotten about. A feeling, a knowing, that your gender doesn’t match you biological sex. It’s a hard enough concept to understand, I know, half the time even I don’t quite understand it. But believe me, it’s real. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but feel free to ask any questions, I’ll be glad to answer them :)
Now, before you start saying that I should just ignore it or whatever, I want to tell you about the two pieces of indisputable evidence that I’ve got in my arsenal.
1. Asperger’s Syndrome
I know, you’re probably thinking that I blame everything on Asperger’s, but to be fair, it is to blame for a lot of things :P But here, I’m talking about the “Extreme Male Brain” theory, which is essentially a theory that many forms of autism are caused by hormone imbalances in the womb, leading to the brain developing as slightly more male. A very high rate of aspergic women say that they feel either male, or androgynous. More detail can be found in this very nice blog: http://www.womanwithaspergers.wordpress.com/2011/02/26/the-autism-gene-what-does-it-mean-for-the-autistic-woman/
So, that’s one reason why I consider myself to be male despite my female body.
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman’s female sex hormones, and is surprisingly common, even though you hear little to nothing about it. No one knows exactly what causes it, (for a change :T) but it has been known to cause GID. That’s not to say that it WILL cause GID, there are many symptoms of the illness, and patients only ever have a few, not all. Depending on when the illness starts, the abnormal levels of testosterone produced can cause the brain to develope as male. It also makes it very very difficult to have children, maybe even resulting in infertility, so that’s another reason to hate it :T
So there you have it, I changed my name because I don’t believe I am a girl, and so I hate being referred to by a girl name. I don’t expect everyone to just suddenly start calling me Cory and using male pronouns (which I’m kinda surprised no one noticed that I changed my FaceBook to do that :P) but I’m not going to lie to my best friends about who I am any longer.
And if you actually read all of that, you get a cookie :D
It always amuses me when someone says to me, “I can’t see you as anything but a girl”
Really, it should upset me, since I only hear that from people I’m close to, but I find it funny, because in my head I’m always thinking, “Well there’s a contradiction, if you can only see me as a girl, then you can’t see me.”
I seem to be writing a lot of poems lately :O I spent a lot of time on this one though, even though it’s so short :) all comments are appreciated :)
My back aches,
My chest burns,
I can hardly breath.
I know what I must do,
but I can’t.
To face reality would hurt more,
so I hold on,
until my vision blurs,
and I have no choice but to give in.
Bringing the blade past my arm,
I cut the binds, freeing my chest.
A tear escapes, not for the pain,
but for my mind.
This body is not mine,
These hands, this face.
This name is not mine,
I feel an empty space.
You look at me and speak,
But to whom, I don’t know
Who should answer?
Which side should I show?
When you look at me, I wonder,
Who do you see?
Can you see past the girl,
And see the real me?
At night, in the dark,
As I lie in my bed,
I can forget this body,
And search through my head.
I know I’m a boy,
Though I can’t explain how,
My name, my body,
I want to change now.
To be my true self,
To show who I am,
But could you accept me
If I became a man?
That fear of rejection,
Of violence, of pain,
From people who target
Any person not the same,
I fear for my safety,
And that of the others,
Those sisters who dare
To say they are brothers.
Half of us will try,
Before we are twenty,
To kill ourselves,
To leave this earth gently.
I had a different ending for this, but I think it’s fine the way it is. And my other ending works well on it’s own :O
I think of the murders,
Those stabbed, burned alive,
Shot in the head,
I can’t help but cry,
So rather than risk this,
I’ll continue to hide.